


No More Regrets

by ladyamesindy



Series: Commander Jayce Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-04
Updated: 2014-01-04
Packaged: 2018-01-07 11:38:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1119383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyamesindy/pseuds/ladyamesindy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Separated by death, reunited in desperation.  The last time Commander Jayce Shepard spoke or saw Commander Kaidan Alenko, their reunion had been less than agreeable.  Now taking one last chance to set things right, she heads off to the Citadel to find him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No More Regrets

She shouldn’t be here.  She had a job to do.  A mission to complete.  Being here, now, wasn’t a part of that.  She had any number of reasons to be _any_ place but here …. but that didn’t change the fact that she _was_.  Here.  Now.  

Chewing on her lower lip, Jayce Shepard carefully made her way through the Wards, for the moment uncaring of what things should and shouldn’t be.  Too many choices of late were being categorized as such for her by others, and while she’d put up with it at first - _Humanity needs you, Shepard; We have to stop the Collectors, Shepard; You’ve got to let the past stay in the past and look to the future, Shepard_ \- she was damned tired of it.  No more, she had vowed.   _SHE_ was in control of her life, her destiny.   _SHE_ would be the one to decide.

After all, when it came right down to it, it was because of this fact - that she’d been allowing others to make these choices for her - that she hadn’t truly regained her sense of command or leadership before now.  It was also behind why he had seen things as he had that day on Horizon.  

The nervous gesture, the corner of her lip turning a darker red from the pressure of her teeth against them, was very telling of her current state of mood, but she paid little attention.  She was focused.  Maybe a little _too_ focused.  If she had any weaknesses, her ability to get lost in her head, in what she was doing, was right there at the top of the list.  Still.  Two years dead hadn’t cured her of that, it seemed.

But, how could she not?  He was here, _some_ where.  She just had to find him.

Jayce pulled the hood to her cloak further over her head as she turned down another street.  Though anonymity wasn’t essential on this mission - which really was a good thing because despite being an N7, she was horrible at it! - she’d take what she could get for the moment in the hopes that it would at the very least get her in close enough to catch his attention.  Just for a moment.  Just long enough that she could convince him to talk.  Or even just listen.  If she could convince him of that instead of turning her away immediately ….

Hours passed; she took her time.  She had an address, but he hadn’t been there when she’d gone by first after arriving.  She knew him to be aboard the station, though - her spectre status allowing her access to certain personnel records.  Some might challenge that it was an abuse of power.  However, right now she wouldn’t quibble about morality.  That could come later.

He hadn’t been at this address all afternoon that she’d been able to determine.  Evening, or whatever it was that passed for that on the Citadel, was beginning to descend.  More people on the streets.  Brighter lights flashing over eating and entertainment establishments as the artificial daylight began to dim.  The signs of night living taking over.  The bustle and jostle of the crowds taking on a new rhythm.  Jayce just hoped she could find him before it fully set in.  The larger and more boisterous crowds of the evening made her uncomfortable.

A short while later, after having stepped into an asari sweets shop for a small bit of self-indulgence, Jayce got lucky.  As she was exiting, a flash of color to her left when she was turning right, the angle and set of his shoulders as he walked on by was enough to have her turning and, a heartbeat later, recognizing him.  He was turned away, walking in the direction of the apartment complex, but she recognized him on sight.  She followed.  Weaving her way through the crowds, she maintained her distance for the moment.  She slipped into the building through the door a few seconds after him; taking the stairs up to the proper floor she had staked out earlier while he rode the elevator; remaining in the shadows until he was inside, the door shut between them.  Now was the final moment of decision.

Then and only then did she hesitate, lip pulling between her teeth again, eyes shadowing darkly as memories returned ….

* * *

_“Kaidan ….”_

_The heat and pressure of his lips along the side of her neck had Jayce shuddering moments later as his teeth lightly scraped against the juncture of her neck and shoulder.  Who would ever have thought that could be such an erotic spot?  Certainly not she … not until he taught her, anyway._

_“Jayce ….”_

_She moaned softly as he echoed her name back at her.  The feel of his warm breath buffeting across the sensitive skin beneath her ear, the hoarse whisper of his voice near her ear, sending a wave of soft tremors fluttering erratically across her skin.  His arm snaked around her waist and pulled her fully back against him.  Another groan, though this time she wasn’t sure if it was him or her.  Maybe both.  His other hand slid upwards, touching lightly, tracing lines, cupping curves, memorizing the patterns of freckles, the texture of her skin.  This time, Jayce knew it was definitely she who couldn’t hold back a whimper._

_He chuckled softly, still near her ear.  “Like that?”_

_Like it?  He was driving her mad … .  It was a sweet madness, one that was sure to have them both rasping and pleading and begging each other for more sooner rather than later, but madness nonetheless._

_“Promise,” she gasped, her head turning, violet eyes seeking out amber in an almost frantic movement._

_“Anything,” he murmured as he leaned down to meet her lips._

_“Promise you’ll never stop ….”_

_There was room for playfulness, for teasing that, practically speaking, they would HAVE to stop when it was time to go back on duty or the next mission arose, or even simply to go and get something to eat, but Kaidan refused that path.  Instead, his hands moved, rising to cradle her cheeks, his eyes meeting the serious look of her own.  He could see and hear the truth behind her request.  Understood the need for it.  The drive created by years of loss and pain and loneliness.  Lowering his forehead to meet hers, his eyelids shut for a long moment.  Taking a deep breath, he opened them again and while holding her gaze, he whispered, “Never.”_

_She shifted in his arms, turning towards him, pushing him over onto his back as she leaned in and pressed her lips to his, desperation in their touch as they sought his own.  His arms folded around her, securing her within his embrace and Jayce knew she would never feel more at home as she did right then …._

* * *

The sound of a knock at the door came as a vague sort of surprise to Kaidan.  He was standing across the room, staring out of the window at the Ward beyond, but his mind wasn’t really there.  As happened too often of late, particularly since Horizon, Kaidan found his thoughts drifting back to more pleasant memories.  Times that were easier to endure, and yet also had that sharp edge of sweet pain to them when taken into consideration in context with Horizon.

_Regret._

He’d come to realize too late that he’d been played.  After his return to the Citadel, a discussion with Anderson had him realizing that she had been too.  She’d realized it first, he too late.  Now all they had left ….

Kaidan was not certain how he could fix things now … or even if he could.  All he knew was that, in the time he had known her, had loved her, he was the one ending up with the regrets.  Back on the SR1, he’d hesitated in acknowledging his feelings.  Waited until the very last moment to confirm them.  Conflicted between duty to the Alliance and the following of regs, and the balance that might have been found if he’d approached her earlier.  Too late, he’d discovered that balance could exist.  

And then she’d been gone, and the regret had built upon itself.  The recognition of time wasted when time with her would be no more.  All that remained were very few memories, many more regrets and no way to shrink the one and increase the other.

The knock sounded at his door again.  Interruption of his thoughts would be a brief reprieve, he supposed.  It was likely one of his neighbors.  A kind word or two, a decline in the occasional invitations out, to begin ‘living’ again and he would be left to his own devices once more ….

However, the unexpectedness of the figure standing before him as the door opened had him gasping as if he’d been winded.  Though the hood was pulled forward, he could still recognize a hint of violet in the shadows beneath … the scar at the corner of her lip as the light played softly there, the height and shape of a body he knew so intimately ….  “Shepard?” he croaked.

A pair of tanned hands slipped from beneath the cloak and rose, gently pushing the edges of the hood backwards.  Violet eyes, eyes that still haunted his dreams both during the day and at night as they had for the past two years, focused solely on him.  He scanned her face quickly.  The scars, the freckles, the shape of her face … straight nose and small, delicate ears.  Just as he’d witnessed on Horizon.  The only thing that had changed from years before, really, was the length of her hair, now hitting just beneath the line of her shoulders.  

“Kaidan … can we talk?”

The familiar voice snapped him back into the present and he stepped aside, gesturing her inside.  “Why? … What are you doing here?” he asked, the door closing with a whoosh behind him.

He saw her swallow tightly, hands dropping to grasp at one another in one of the old, familiar nervous tells that she had.  He felt his heart lurch at that thought.  The last time he’d seen her do that had been the night before Ilos when they’d talked, still uncertain of the direction of their relationship ….  

“I … I got your message,” she replied.  He thought he heard a bit of shakiness in her voice; another bit of anxiety bled out of his body in response.  “I’m …  I needed to talk with you, Kaidan.”  Her eyes met his.  “If that’s  … okay?”

Instinct had him nodding, but when he spoke, he was unable to hide the bitterness in his challenge.  “What about your ship?”  Horizon might have been a couple of months ago, he might have already reached out to her and offered an olive branch or at least a half-attempt at an apology, but there were some things that still hurt.  “Your mission?  Somehow, I doubt the Illusive Man and Cerberus would approve -”

“No,” she broke in, one hand extending, fingertips lightly touching his forearm.  Kaidan’s eyes dropped to stare at the spot for a moment.  Long, graceful fingers … ones he’d seen move quick and sure across circuit boards and computer consoles to hack into systems, ones that carried and used a weapon as if born to it, the same ones he’d witnessed on numerous occasions playing gently across his skin or grasping him tightly in return ….   “They don’t know I’m here, Kaidan.  No one does.”

Kaidan blinked.  “No one?”  He lifted his gaze to hers again.  “Shepard, what’s going on?”

She took a step backwards, her hand falling back to her side, and Kaidan felt an overwhelming sense of loss at the touch.  “I’m ….”  She sighed.  “I can’t, Kaidan.  I’m sorry,” she murmured with a gentle shake of her head.  After another moment’s hesitation, she added, “It’s a favor … for Hackett.  That’s all I can or will say.”  Her eyes found his again.  “But what it does do is allow me a bit of leeway in my schedule.  I decided to take a chance to ….”

“To what?” he asked.  

A hand rose and combed shakily through her dark auburn waves.  He watched her eyes close, the sigh that passed her lips and made them tremble slightly in the process, the faintest hint of red lighten her dark cheeks.  “I got your message,” she repeated.

Kaidan turned towards her as the words fully registered then.  Taking a step to close the distance between them, he told her quietly, “Shepard, I -”

“Kaidan -”

They both stopped as they spoke at the same time, eyes drifting up to meet the others before softening into a more amused look.  Lifting a hand, Kaidan slid it along her cheek until the fingertips were buried in the hair hanging over her ear.  “Jayce,” he rasped, not ignoring the fact that she seemed to be leaning into his touch, “I’m sorry.”

Long lashes fluttered against her cheeks for a moment before she nodded.  “I … understand,” she replied.  She offered a tentative smile.  “Really, I do,” she continued.  “I just -”

Kaidan sighed.  “No,” he insisted.  “Look, I shouldn’t have said the things I did.  Not after what you have -”

Jayce shook her head.  “You … reacted.  It had been two years and you thought I was dead.  I get it, Kaidan.  Really, I do.”  She sighed.  “I should have expected it, I suppose.  Been more prepared for something like that.”  Her eyes dropped as her fingers began lacing and unlacing before her.  “Horizon, I mean.  It was a set up.”

Reaching out, Kaidan took her hands in his, his thumbs rubbing gently over the backs of them.  “You caught me so off guard.  I didn’t know how to respond.”

She nodded.  Pulling a hand free, she lifted it, slowly moving it towards his face.  Though a part of him wanted to pull back, to make _sure_ before … well ….  But then her fingers were gliding gently across his cheek, her palm eventually making contact and he could see a look of wonder play across her eyes in the process.  It was that same look she’d had every time they’d been together before the loss of the SR1.  It was a reaction that couldn’t fully be imitated.  Not like this.  Moving on instinct, Kaidan brought his other hand up so that he could cradle her face between them both.  “Jayce ….”  He heard a crack in his voice, but he found he couldn’t care any longer.  So many things had gone wrong, and for the first time in over two years, he was being presented with something … right.   _No more regrets!_

* * *

Jayce moaned softly as his lips touched hers for the first time in, well, years.  For the next several minutes, she allowed herself to simply _feel_.  The touch of his hands, the way his lips seemed to devour her, the sensations as, despite his extraordinary sense of control remained, his biotics charged up and sparked between them.  That tingly shock that had the hairs along her arms and the back of her neck rising just a bit ….

“Kaidan.”  She broke the contact, but dropped her forehead to rest against his shoulder, remaining in close quarters.  They needed to talk, but she needed this, too.

“Sorry,” he murmured, his hands dropping to her hips and settling there.  “I just -”

Jayce shook her head.  “No.  No more apologies.”  Lifting her head, she met his gaze.  “Please.  Can’t we just ... move forward?” she asked.  

His lips tilted up on one side.  “Always so practical,” he replied.  “So confident.”

Jayce felt the heat stain her cheeks again.  “Hardly,” she returned.  “Whether you see it or not, I’m still just the awkward, bumbling -”

“No,” he insisted, hand tightening at her hip to catch her attention, “you really aren’t.”  She arched an eyebrow, and he continued.  “Okay, maybe a few times, early on, just between us, but  … this latest thing?  That was my fault, not yours.”  She smiled when he tilted his head to the side, making sure he still had full eye contact with her.  “Got that?”

Rolling her eyes, she did finally manage a small smile … and a slight nod.  When he tugged her closer, his arms sliding around her shoulders and back, she moved to do the same.  This hug, like the one on Horizon, had emotion behind it, but she was determined it would end differently than last time.  

She allowed him to guide her over to the couch nearby, taking a seat beside him, but not against him.  Turning to face him, she began.  “I don’t have much time,” she explained, “so I will tell you what I can, okay?”

Kaidan nodded.  “Okay.”

“The last thing I remember from … before was making sure Joker’s life pod ejected.  I … an explosion knocked me away, out of reach of the pod.  I couldn’t get back and time was running out, so ….”  His hand reached over to wrap around hers and she was thankful for the contact.  Solid.  Firm.  Real.  A reminder that she was alive again.  “I realized too late my suit had been damaged in the blast, the oxygen leaking out.  But I got him, you, the others away first.”

“I think Joker thought I blamed him for what happened,” Kaidan interjected sorrowfully a moment later.  “At first, maybe I did.  I don’t know.  Those early days are difficult … to remember.”

Jayce nodded.  “I know,” she replied.  “And you’re right - Joker did feel guilty, but I’ve finally gotten him to see the truth of things.  I think.”  She smiled gently over at him.  “He’s with me now, you know?”

Kaidan chuckled softly, his hand squeezing hers briefly.  “Why does that not surprise me in the least?” he challenged.

Her smile widened.  “Karin, too.  Tali.  Garrus.  There’s a few of the old crew there I can trust, at least.  Plus several new ones.”  She darted a quick look over at him, noticed the skepticism there and clarified, “ _Not_ Cerberus.”  Kaidan actually had the good grace to blush.  She’d guessed right, apparently.  

“I’m … glad,” he finally returned.  “Really, I am.”

Jayce nodded again.  Hand rising to tuck some of her hair behind her ear, an old move borne of days when she became too focused and intent upon whatever she was doing, she now continued on methodically.  “This thing, with the Collectors … the threat.  Kaidan, it’s very real.”

“I know,” he reminded her gently.  “I was there.”

She frowned.  “What?  Oh!  Horizon.  Yes, … well ….”  She lifted her gaze to his again.  Biting her lip, he could see her debating silently for a moment.  “We’re going to attempt to make it to the Collector base.  To end it, once and for all.  For good.”

Kaidan blinked.  “What?  But … how?” he asked.

“Through the Omega-4 Relay,” she explained.  Jayce saw him flinch and squeezed his hand.  “We have a way,” she assured him.  “We think it will get us through safely, once it’s ready to go.  But what we’ll find there ….”

“Does Hackett know?” Kaidan asked.  “Anderson?”

Jayce shook her head.  “Kaidan … I can’t trust Anderson at the moment.  Not after Horizon.  He’s a councilor, now.  A politician.  He withheld information from _you_ that I asked him to pass along!”  

“Jayce -”

Anger flared briefly, her eyes darkening.  “Kaidan, he wouldn’t tell me where to find you.  How to contact you.  Fine, I get that.  Security and all.  He wasn’t sure I was me.  I get that too.  But, dammit … he could have let you know I was alive!  I asked him to!  Instead, he sends you off to Horizon.  He _believes_ the rumors the Illusive Man sent out about my showing up there!  He _intended_ for us to bump into one another!”  Releasing Kaidan’s hand, she rose to her feet and began pacing the room.  “I’ve known him since he was part of the team that rescued me on Mindoir when I was sixteen… and he betrayed my trust!”

Kaidan followed her, catching her by her arms, turning her to face him.  “Look at it from his point of view,” he suggested gently.

“I _have_!”  As their eyes met, she sighed and Jayce felt her anger bleed out almost as suddenly as it had appeared.  That was how it usually was with her - quick to anger, quick to forgive.  In most cases anyway.  Taking a deep breath, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him close.  “Between Anderson’s and the Illusive Man’s manipulations, we didn’t stand a chance,” she muttered.  “Did we?”  

The question, of course, was rhetorical so Kaidan didn’t bother to answer it.  Instead, he moved his arms around her, tightening his hold as she had done, savoring the momentary closeness.  “Does Hackett know?” he repeated.  When she lifted her head, he added, “About trying for the Omega-4 Relay.”

“He knows my mission with Cerberus will be completed before I return to the Alliance,” she hedged.  “If he’s found out more than that, it’s been through his own sources.”

“Do you want me to tell him?”

Jayce gave in and sagged against him.  “I don’t know,” she murmured, her voice sounding very small for a moment.  “I honestly don’t.  I don’t want either of you to be put into a position where -”

Kaidan’s hands rose to tilt her face to look up at him again.  “Let me decide that, okay?” he asked.  “And him.”

She offered him a half smile with a small nod.  “Mr. Integrity,” she teased quietly.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” he countered, though there was no real challenge behind the words.

Smile filling out, Jayce promised, “Never.”  

After one last long moment holding his gaze, savoring it, Jayce finally pulled back, though reluctantly.  “I should go,” she told him.  The longer she waited, the longer before she could complete this mission, the longer before they’d remove the Collector threat.  She could see in his eyes that he wanted her to stay, that he wasn’t quite ready to let her go just yet … but she wouldn’t stay unless he asked.

“Okay.”

Of course, he wouldn’t.  Just as he wouldn’t ask to join her and her team.  As she’d said, he _was_ Mr. Integrity.  Staring down at where he still held her hand in his, she couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed.  Oh, it was for personal reasons, to be sure, but disappointment nonetheless.  Pulling her hand from his, she murmured, “I … um ….”

“Stay safe out there, okay?” he asked, a question that brought her gaze back up to his.  “I don’t think I could handle going to another memorial service for the great Commander Shepard.”

Jayce felt her throat tighten, for in that moment, despite his attempt at levity with his words, she both heard in his tone and saw in his eyes just how badly he’d been hurt by her death two years before.  “I’ll see what I can do,” she promised while reaching for her hood and pulling it back into place.  

Kaidan walked across the room with her, opening the door for her when they arrived.  “Jayce -”

Turning, just the vaguest hint of violet from the shadows of her hood, she replied, “We’ll talk again soon, Kaidan.”  Without another word, she stepped outside and walked away, satisfied that on this count, at least, she was leaving behind no regrets.

 


End file.
